Interstellar Adventure
Adventure: the pursuit of life — Daniel Roy Wiarda

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Saturday, November 05, 2005

Thank you all for the well-wishes and support yesterday. I knew that so many people were thinking of me, and I knew that as painful as this journey has been, it was the right thing. I made myself stop crying long enough yesterday morning to get my makeup on. Then I didn't allow myself to cry because then I would mess up my perfect makeup. 'Cause you all know when you go to divorce court, you gotta look damn good. My best black suit, highest heels (that would make me taller than the Ex), elegant hairstyle. Yeah, that should do it. I don't know why I bothered to call him for directions, because he's the most directionally challenged person I know. I was unsure about the ones I had from the County website. And, my instincts were right. He didn't really help much with "turn here, go a couple of miles and there it is". I get to where I think I'm supposed to be, search around for him, then finally find someone to ask. Nope, there's another court building where divorce cases are heard. Great. Now that I have the right directions I find the place. As I'm pulling into the parking lot, a song comes on the radio, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, that made me smile. I really needed to smile and hearing that gave me a little spring in my step and the energy to walk in the door. Fifth floor, Auxiliary Court 1. I open the door and see him on the other side of the mini-gallery. I say nothing. Simply sit and wait. He finally sees me and says nothing, but knows I'm there. I refuse to let myself cry in front of him, even though the emotion is welling up inside. The bailiff walks in, "All rise.", and we stand. The judge walks in with a stack of files and sits down. We all sit. He picks up a file and calls a name. No one responds. He hands the file to the bailiff. He picks up another file and calls another name. A woman and her attorney walk to the front. A series of scripted questions is asked, to which the woman responds with yes and no answers. A divorce is granted. It's like the judge doesn't even realize what he's saying. It all just comes out like an automaton. The woman, now divorced and with her maiden name, walks out the door. The judge picks up another file. He calls our name. He walks to the front with his attorney, I walk up and stand somewhat behind him. His attorney asks him a similar series of scripted questions to which he replies with yes and no answers. The judge asks me if I wish to testify. I say no. Again, I refuse to cry in front of him or the judge or his lawyer or the bailiff or the court reporter. I am stronger than that. The divorce is granted. Again, with the same automatic response. Look at him and then turn and walk out the door. Down the elevator and back to my car. I finally let the tears come. Not out of love lost, but out of disappointment. Years that don't seem like they matter anymore, but those that I put so much into. I drove home slowly, taking some backroads. I saw some gorgeous fall color along a small country road. I cry a little more along the way. He calls. "Are you OK?" I'm fine I reply. "That wasn't what I thought it would be." he said. No, it wasn't I say. "OK, well have a good weekend." I just hung up the phone. The jerk couldn't even bother to wear a tie to our divorce. I spent a little bit of time being quiet. Feeling sad but not needing to cry anymore. I went and had a quiet breakfast, read the paper, did the crossword. My friend Amy called to check on me. Then Nick called and came to join me for breakfast. His last day at work, and he went home early. He starts a new job Monday. We ate breakfast and talked. He was just there for me. Then we went and walked around the mall, talking some more. Then to Starbucks. We picked up the kids and went to a pizza place for dinner. Then went to buy Star Wars Episode III and watched it at home. After we put the kids to bed, we sat on the couch and talked more. He was just there for me. He even asked if I needed to cry more. He said, "If you need to cry more, it's OK.". But I didn't want to. I am finally done crying for him. I've almost been an unmarried woman for 24 hours now. It feels good. I have two great kids, a wonderful man in my life that I can depend on and trust. He taught my kids how to do this quarter trick last night. Put the quarters on your elbow, then catch them off the end. They're practicing it right now. Zed's up to $3.25. Elle's still on $.25. This is going to be good.

11/05/2005 08:02:00 AM :: ::
  • Good morning. I can't imagine what you've been through, going to court and getting divorced just 'like that'.

    You are such a strong woman, we can all see it in your words.

    By Blogger Indigo, at 11/05/2005 08:47:00 AM


  • You are going to be fine! Change is good, scary but good. Gosh, I haven't seen that quarter trick in a long time! Must go practice!

    By Blogger Carnealian, at 11/05/2005 10:20:00 AM


  • I didn't make it by before work to see the post and wish you well, but I can see you're fine. Emotion at a divorce is natural, regardless of if it's the right thing to do -- or if you had no choice. It's all behind you now and a bright new adventure is ahead. Enjoy the ride. :)

    By Blogger FTS, at 11/05/2005 11:03:00 AM


  • Wow, that was a very raw, real post about something that I know little about. It's sad to me that divorces are so common and as you say, automated.

    K, I'm off to try the quarter thing now, too. Thanks, Nick!

    By Blogger Bone, at 11/05/2005 12:20:00 PM


  • I'm so sorry that was hard for you.
    My divorces were all uncontested, just walk in, pay to file some papers and then wait for the judge to sign the letter that gets mailed to you.
    Of course, I got hosed by one of them by doing it that way, cuz I was dumb. So I hope your ordeal means you got something decent.

    By Blogger annie, at 11/05/2005 12:24:00 PM


  • i'm not divorced, i've been married just over 25 years, so i can't really understand the emotions that must play on this. i can understand your wanting to look your best though. i guess the day you get divorced really is just as significant as your wedding day, a day of celebration, but also one that brings sadness and tears.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11/05/2005 12:38:00 PM


  • Well you got through it and I'm proud of you. Now you can get on with your life... and it sounds like you have so much to look forward to!

    By Blogger Suburban Turmoil, at 11/05/2005 12:49:00 PM


  • Good luck in your race tomorrow. I had my 10K this AM and did pretty well. I posted a little something about on my site.
    Anyway, just take care of yourself and the kids.

    By Blogger UziCue, at 11/05/2005 12:55:00 PM


  • Sounds like you handled it well and with class. Wow, just like that. Sad that divorces are so commonplace.

    Kick back and pamper yourself this weekend.

    By Anonymous abbynormal, at 11/05/2005 01:48:00 PM


  • I can't imagine that it was an easy or comfortable day at all but it certainly sounds like you handled it brilliantly ... and now you're a free woman again!

    By Anonymous Claire, at 11/05/2005 04:54:00 PM


  • I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, the whole divorce court situation sounded so raw and unfeeling. But I guess in some ways, maybe it's better that way. ? I don't know.
    You seem so strong and sure and confident in every word you write, and yet I know it can't be easy all the time. I wish nothing but the best for you in all the days to come. I have the feeling that you'll be just fine in the long run. Hugs to you and the kiddos! :)

    By Anonymous Laura, at 11/05/2005 07:22:00 PM


  • So, eh, youse come here often, pretty lady?

    By Blogger Coyote Mike, at 11/05/2005 08:40:00 PM


  • All of my post-seperation friends wanted to "celebrate" the day I finalized. I just wanted to process it all, and reflect. It was every bit as significant as our wedding day. I was just as changed by my divorce as I was by my marriage, and the failure of it.

    You are so right, this will be good. As long as you know that, you have it all in the bag.

    By Blogger Alisha, at 11/05/2005 10:08:00 PM


  • That was so beautiful.

    Congratualtions and we are all just here for you.

    By Blogger Raehan, at 11/05/2005 11:30:00 PM


  • So, stick on that Gloria Gaynor record this evening? Good luck with your freedom!

    By Blogger culfy, at 11/06/2005 05:42:00 AM


  • Hugs! Take it one step at a time into your new future!

    By Blogger mommy d, at 11/06/2005 05:09:00 PM


  • i prayed for you at church.

    By Blogger Crystal, at 11/06/2005 05:29:00 PM


  • I hope the future brings great things for you....Im going to kiss my Hub now...

    By Blogger Shannon, at 11/06/2005 10:06:00 PM


  • WIthout an end to one phase there can be no way to begin a new phase, you will be just ownderful and so will your life :))

    By Anonymous TSB, at 11/07/2005 11:49:00 AM


  • I'm sorry this was so hard for you, but I know how you feel. Getting divorced sucks!!! I'm glad you have such awesome support in your life and I'm thinking nothing but good things for you.

    By Blogger Jolynn, at 11/07/2005 11:58:00 AM


  • You've got a bright future ahead of you and a lot to look forward to!

    Take care!!

    By Blogger Texas_Ivy10, at 11/07/2005 01:51:00 PM


  • Though I know it was painful for you short-term, I'm happy for you. You did the right thing by trying to work it out, but when you realized he wasn't going to change - making the right decision!

    I'm with you all the way.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11/07/2005 04:08:00 PM


  • Great post, Interstellar.
    I think that somewhere down the road when you have a bit of distance from it you should examine the day a bit more.
    There seems to be a wealth of internal issues that writing could ultimately help you with. Then again, maybe you're good where you are now. And that's fine, too.
    Glad to see you got through to the other side.
    Time to breathe and live again...you've earned it.
    Be well,


    By Blogger michaelm, at 11/08/2005 01:10:00 PM


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